The worst time of my life & how it changed in one day- Our Adoption - The Ugly
Most of you know the highlights, the happiness.
The amazing journey we took to become parents to our beautiful son Phoenix.
What you don't know is the ugly. We have so many people come to us with " We want to adopt, how do we do it." & We would love to tell you but 9 out of the 10 people I talk to about adoption have such horrible misconstrued views about how adoption will "Get them THEIR child"
First news flash, it isn't and will never be, JUST your child, and for us that was the amazing part. We would gain more than just becoming parents but we would gain an entire family to add to ours. Phoenix will always have two moms, the one who brought him into this world and choose us to be his parents and guide him in life & then I, who since even before his first breath have loved him as my own & cared for him. Open adoption is beautiful but I've already talked about that so we are going to dive deep into the REAL shit now.
We started our adoption process in June 2016. We met with an agency and signed for the beginning of our home study. $2500 for people to go through every detail of our lives since we were 15 years of age. Everywhere we lived, schools we attended. EVer smoked a cigarette? write it down. Ever had a fight with your spouse? write it down. Do you and your spouse ever argue? write it down and why. how do you plan to raise your child? Do you believe in god? What is your spouses best and worst attribute? How could they be better? How do you think they will be as a parent? How will they struggle. How do you show affection to one another?
I would say thats the worst of it. but thats what we had to answer on paper. Then they came to our house and inspected that from top to bottom and interviewed us.
I had never been so paranoid. What was it ? One wrong answer? Two? and that meant we would never have a family? We didn't know and it ate away at us.
Til a month later when our home study was approved. We had been doing research, well really I had. Agency after Agency nothing seemed perfect but you know we had our home study with this agency so why not stay. We mailed a check and then some how I was added to an adoption group. My life changed. Questions were answered. I had help. We learned said agency was HORRIBLE. Called the bank cancelled the check emailed the agency and told them to shred it we changed our mind. We were back to square one.
Some of our family wasn't supportive, they didn't understand it. Didn't get why. But we persisted we knew what we wanted and pushed on.
More research upon research & I said fuck it. We are going to do this our selves. We created a Facebook page. A website. & got on adoptimist. We shared and shared our want to adopt.
Within a month we had a local friend send a local expecting mom our way. We talked and hit it off for weeks we talked then we met for dinner and all seemed perfect we were officially matched and our lawyers were talking. We couldn't believe it happened so quickly. Not 3 days later she posted about having a baby shower. We grew weary but she assured we were still going to be parents. We assured her that we understood and were completely supportive if she decided to parent, she assured us adoption was it. She went into labor. and had a beautiful baby and never called. She wrote us the nest morning and said she was 100% sure she wanted to go through with the adoption and she would be let out in a couple of days and to give her til then. We were scrambling, excited hopeful ecstatic really. Then she deleted and blocked us and wouldn't answer phone calls. She changed her mind and that was okay. IT hurt like hell but it was her choice. A week later I recieved a snap chat of a picture of the baby with the word LOL on it. We were played and played good and it tore me up to know it was all a joke to her. Our feelings, us becoming parents. All a joke. She contacted us 3 times after that asking if we were still interested in adopting the baby.. I don't know what the end game was or why it happened but that was our intro into Adoption, specifically independent adoption is fucked sometimes.
The next couple months I talked to over 20 expecting moms, most who truly wanted to parent but needed someone to talk to and support. I got it and was completely okay with that I was happy to help but it was emotionally draining to everyday get our hopes up to be let down. Within those 20 moms more than half were scammers. Emotional scammers just wanting to play with our emotions. Eventually we went into everything with the thought it wasn't going to work out, went into them asking for ultrasounds with their names to prove if they were even pregnant at all. Most of the women didnt respond once we asked for them, they didnt have them because they were just toying with us.
We matched with someone 13 weeks along who lost the baby 16 weeks. We matched with someone who we talked to for over a month and a half and really connected she wasn't local but she wasn't too far which was wonderful for us. Open adoption and visiting would be easy. We were ecstatic but she too was only 15 weeks along. She miscarried quite late at 19 weeks and it destroyed all of us. we cried together and wept for hours it hit me harder than I thuoght it ever would.
I was supposed to have a session that weekend. It happened on a Wednesday Session was Sunday. I knew I wouldn't be put together enough I felt broken so I said I had to reschedule the engagement due to a family emergency. They called on Sunday and told me that due to me rescheduling they couldn't count on me and wanted to cancel their wedding contract with me.
I lost a child, whether you see it that way or not I dont really care deep down I felt as if I had and this bride couldn't care less. I was blown away. I laugh at how insensitive it was now, but then it broke me even more. Could I be a good business owner and keep up with this process? I questioned it all ALOT I mean a lot especially then. I couldn't see how just moving a session was such a big deal after what we were going through but I quickly realized that most of the time what is happening outside of other peoples lives don't matter all that much to them.
In the beginning of November we matched again. We were beyond words excited. The baby was due in January, a little girl. We talked every other day with the expecting mom and visited them we set up with our attornies and got things going. We were able to meet her family and other children. We had dinner and played while talking and getting to know one another. We saw ultrasounds and experienced doctors appointments. We had her clothes ready, carseats and toys. On December 9th at 11pm we recieved a long email from the expecting mom she had changed her mind. The Father had convinced her to parent. The father who had beat her at 5 months pregnant. The father who has 7 kids already and was serving time on the weekends. We were devastated. Not just because we weren't going to be parents. Though I cried myself to sleep for weeks and we didn't celebrate Christmas at all that year. We were devastated because that was no life for a child let alone 8. We shut out everyone. We announced on our page we were going to take a break as we didn't know if we could continue the process. It had destroyed us down to the core. We didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel we just saw darkness.
On December 30th I posted in an adoption group, Venting, laying my heart out. About our failed match , scammers and how pissed off I was at it all and how I was sure we were done we couldn'tkeep up with the bullshit.
She saw my post, over $1500 spent on websites and fb posts and adoptimist and she found me venting in a group. I should have known it was fate because in her first message to me she said "What kind of bitches scam people with babies, how fucked up can you be?"
Lets just say we are soul mates and the first few days we really got to know one another. We talked for HOURS on the phone til one of our phones would die. We became more than best friends. This woman was family, whether or not she decided to parent she was one of my best friends. We would be there for her no matter what. Becoming parents mattered but having her in our lives mattered so much more. We shopped and shopped and prepped his room. We announced our match and we celebrated. One month before his birth we got an email. Our home study agency had closed their doors, filed bankruptcy and there was a chance our homestudy wasn't valid and we wouldn't be able to bring our little man home. Luckily our attorney jumped on it and after 2 weeks of freaking out we got word our home study was good. BUT we had to reget all legal paperwork. 20 pieces of legal paperwork had to be redone. finfgerprints background checks legal copies of marraige license and birth certificates. But we rushed and did everything and 3 and a half months after her finding us we drove 13 hours to Michigan and we met the woman who had already changed our lives but was about to make us the happiest people in the world. We got coffee, went to breakfast, went shopping got our nails done and enjoyed eachother til the day came for our little man to be born.
The Csection was supposed to be at noon March 23rd, it was moved to 4pm , and at first they wouldn't let us see her. or be in with her they put us in another room and shut the door. They were beyond rude. They said she didnt want to see anyone it was a lie. We heard her ask for us. Eventually I didn't take no for an answer and we made our way to her room. She was starving cause you know you can't eat before and then they moved it back to 4, and by the time we went in it was 6:20.
Our little man was born at 6:35 on March 23rd and our lives changed forever in that moment. My heart no longer beat within my own chest but within his. The next week would be a whirlwhind of the NICU & hospital transfers. But we were parents and I had never been so in love.